REGARDING THE AUTHORSHIP OF THIS FANFIC:
-I have posted many previous, not-very-well-written versions of this story in the past (and eventually deleted them), across multiple websites, and under several different old usernames of mine. This version of the fic is a major rewrite, and hopefully the final iteration. I will NOT delete this version, although I may sometimes edit it, and I promise I’ll (eventually) finish it this time.
REGARDING THE FANFIC ITSELF:
-Even though it’s a parody, this fic will remain safely within the PG rating, and stay pretty lighthearted overall. Chapters near the end will be more “deep” than the early ones, but things won’t exactly get “dark”. The story will also contain very mild “slapstick” violence, which does NOT result in any actual injuries. Additionally, while NONE of the characters will die during the course of the plot, the deaths of a few OCs will be mentioned to have occurred in the past, from old age.
-In this fic, Jack Frost’s evil minions are snowmen, as opposed to the canon goblins. I know this is a pretty big change, but I personally think it’s a necessary one— goblins (as a concept) have a lot of inherent relation to antisemitism, and I’m trying to keep my fanfics as far away from bigotry as possible. Plus, there were evil snowmen in the 2010 Rainbow Magic movie. (In the “world” of this fic, the goblins never existed in the first place; they were always snowmen.)
-If you’ve never read Rainbow Magic, or haven’t kept up with the books since approximately the Earth/Green Fairies, I strongly recommend that you do some basic research online before reading this fanfic. It won’t take long— the canon books have become extremely formulaic. Oh, and there’s almost THREE HUNDRED of them by now!
-However, in a recent canon Rainbow Magic book (Hope the Welcome Fairy), a few changes actually were made to the status quo. Due to that book releasing while my plans for this story were already in progress, the only aspects from that “new era” of Rainbow Magic which will be included in this fic are the canon characters Gracie and Khadijah. They won’t appear until fairly late in the story, but I have big plans for their roles in the plot.
-Despite Rainbow Magic being a British series, I am using the Americanized translations— for example, “Summer the Holiday Fairy” will be referred to as “Joy the Summer Vacation Fairy”. However, the British word “mum” will be used instead of “mom”.
--------------------
It was a dark and stormy night in Fairyland— which meant Storm the Lightning Fairy was in charge.
“Wheeeeee!” she giggled, using her magic jetpack to fly supersonic loop-the-loops around the lightning bolts she was firing from her fingertips and her wand. Doodle, the magic weather-controlling rooster, was perched on her shoulders, happily squawking along with the thunder. One of his tail feathers— the Lightning Feather— shimmered with yellow fairy dust.
Several miles down beneath Storm and Doodle, a large, flat field of lightning rods was redirecting the electricity to Fairyland’s underground power lines. Ever since the rise of electricity in the human world, and its subsequent introduction to Fairyland, stormy weather had been in extremely high demand.
Storm briefly stopped her barrage of lightning, in order to check the power meter on her wrist. “We’re one-third of the way to our power goal for tonight!” she told Doodle, grinning. “I love electricity!”
“SQUAWK!” Doodle agreed, as Storm resumed firing the bolts.
A dark shadow soon appeared through the clouds, and seemed to be approaching. Storm paused and hovered in the air, as a look of concern quickly crossed her face. Nobody else was supposed to be out flying in the storm, since fairy lightning was one of the few magic powers with an especially high rate of accidental injury— not to mention how loud it was up close, to anyone without magical earplugs.
The odd silhouette grew closer, and Storm considered her options. I could go up to whoever it is, and tell them to clear out… But it might be Jack Frost! she realized. Then again, on second thought, Jack Frost can’t fly, since he has no wings, and I don’t think he owns a jetpack…
The shape had passed through the clouds by that point— revealing a terrified-looking fairy riding on Pegasus. Clutched tightly in the trembling fairy’s arms was a large white orb, with fairy dust swirling around inside of it.
Storm immediately took out her earplugs. She didn’t recognize that fairy, but she instinctively felt the need to assist her. “What happened? Are you okay?” she asked the stranger, turning off the supersonic jetpack and using her wings to fly slightly closer.
“I… I need to get to the Fairyland palace!” the fairy gasped out. “If I don’t reach King Oberon and Queen Titania in time, Fairyland and the human world will be in huge trouble! Bigger trouble than ever before!” Her voice sounded oddly familiar to Storm.
Pegasus gave a nervous whinny, as if in agreement.
“I can hold off the lightning until you make it to the palace,” Storm offered. She was admittedly skeptical of the claims of disaster, but decided not to doubt her out loud.
“Thanks…” the fairy said, trembling a bit less. “I thought Pegasus and I wouldn’t make it in time, with all the stormy weather… I’m Cassandra, by the way.”
Storm knew she had heard that name before, but she didn’t know where. Then, it finally clicked in her head— Cassandra was the Fortune Teller Fairy. She had a daily Fairyland radio show, where she would announce upcoming events, whether they took place in Fairyland or the human world.
Cassandra had dark skin, brown eyes, and short black hair. She was wearing baggy dark blue pajamas with white hourglass symbols on them, and a light blue headband.
“I’ve never seen you in person before, but I know your voice from the radio,” Storm said. “It’s nice to properly meet you! I’m a big fan!” She offered a hand for Cassandra to shake, but Cassandra didn’t take it.
“We need to get to the palace, now!” she insisted. “There’s no time for us to talk.”
“Then could I go with you?” Storm asked. “I’m curious about how fortune-telling works.”
Cassandra’s expression softened a fair amount. “Sure, I’d be glad to explain my job— and I really could use something to get my mind off what I just saw, anyhow.”
After leaving Doodle in charge of maintaining the production of the lightning bolts, Storm climbed onto Pegasus with Cassandra. “My magic crystal ball is how I see the future,” Cassandra explained. “Every midnight, I look into it for ten minutes, and record what I see in this magic journal here.” She held up a blue and white notebook with a large hourglass shape carved into its cover.
“Cool!” Storm enthused. “What kind of stuff do you usually see?”
Cassandra shrugged. “It’s normally just the same stuff over and over— weather in the human world, spoilers for new movies and shows, and human celebrities making bad life decisions.”
“So, uh, what’s your third magic object?” Storm asked. “Don’t most of the fairies who aren’t in a group have three?”
“Well, this is kinda embarrassing… but my third object is a container of spoiled yogurt, instead of the magic hourglass it was supposed to be,” Cassandra said. “I was tired and slept through breakfast, so I snuck some food in for the ceremony when I received my magic… and some of the magic latched onto my yogurt, so I can’t even throw it away now!”
Storm tried not to laugh, but accidentally let out a small, partially-stifled giggle. Cassandra didn’t seem to mind at all, and in fact, she soon let out a giggle too.
“That’s why outside objects are prohibited during the ceremonies…” she reminisced. “It was already a rule, though, so I didn’t start the problem, at least!”
“Oh, look!” Storm said, pointing to a toadstool house on the ground. “That’s where I live! And there’s my garden of petrified trees, and my garage, and my motorcy—”
A small bolt of lightning was emitted from her pinky finger, and a loud explosion rang through the night.
“Whoops,” Storm groaned. “I blew up my motorcycle…”
Cassandra gasped in horror. “I’m so sorry! Did I—”
Storm gave Cassandra a reassuring but embarrassed smile. “You didn't do anything; don’t worry. I tend to shoot bolts by mistake when I get too excited…”
“But what about the motorcycle?!” Cassandra worriedly asked. “If you want, I can pay for—”
“No need,” Storm assured her. “I have good insurance. This isn’t even the first time I’ve blown up one of my vehicles…”
Cassandra raised an eyebrow. “It’s happened before?”
“Yeah, but most of the time, it’s on purpose. Whenever one of my vehicles stops working to the point where even magic can’t fix it, I take it out to the Fairyland Explosion Yard, and make it go KABOOM! But don’t worry, I magically restore all the pieces, and donate them to be recycled.”
There was no response from Cassandra.
“What?” Storm asked. “Come on now, I’m a daredevil! If I wasn’t, I wouldn't be in charge of lightning!”
After several minutes of awkward silence, the Fairyland palace appeared over the horizon. Storm looked at Cassandra, who appeared to be nervous again.
“So… um, what was in your scary vision?”
“...Here,” Cassandra blankly said, handing her journal to Storm. “But do NOT rip or tear any of the pages, not even slightly!”
The index at the front of the book ranged from January 15, 1993, to the current day. However, there was a gap from April 23 to April 26 in 2021.
“That’s when Jack Frost stole my magic objects, until Rachel and Kirsty helped me get them back,” Cassandra explained. “Joke’s on him, though— he willingly gave back the yogurt container. Even his snowmen couldn’t stand the awful smell!”
Storm flipped through to the end of the written pages, and silently began reading.
July 12, 2023
Something unusually terrible happened in my vision today! It was rather blurry and unclear in some places, but I will write it as well as I can remember:
-The events will take place sometime in December, judging by the star patterns.
-My vision opened with the Fairyland palace under siege by Jack Frost and his snowmen. They were aiming primarily at Queen Titania and King Oberon.
-A shadowy and blurry figure, with no real discernable shape other than being two-legged, was leading the attack, rather than Jack Frost. There were also some robot-like creatures, but they weren’t really fighting. They were mostly just spinning in circles and bumping into things…
-Oddly, Jack Frost had a very reluctant look on his face, as though he would rather be doing anything else.
-Titania and Oberon seemed to be desperate. They looked like they were about to cry!
-Jack Frost’s army appeared to be winning, and Rachel and Kirsty were nowhere to be seen… This is BAD. Forget writing down my normal predictions; I’m going to the Fairyland palace RIGHT NOW.
Halfway through reading, Storm’s eyes opened wide. By the time she was finished, her facial expression almost matched Cassandra’s.
“This is bad…” Storm admitted. “But I’m glad you saw it in advance. Surely Titania and Oberon will be able to avert the danger. I mean, uh, the future seen in your visions can be changed… right?!”
‘It can,” Cassandra said, nodding. “But that shadowy figure… I’ve never seen anything like it in any of my visions! Maybe the vision was being somehow edited by dark magic, or maybe we’re actually going to have to fight an evil shadow…”
At last, Pegasus landed on the balcony of the Fairyland palace’s highest tower. Storm and Cassandra both thanked Pegasus, and he flew down to the royal garden to beg Penny the Pony Fairy for carrots.
There was a line to speak with the King and Queen, but it was fortunately pretty short. Cassandra went to the back of the line, while Storm left to receive the insurance on her destroyed motorcycle, at the Fairyland Financial Department.
“I left some fruitcake in the fridge for too long, and now my house has a fly infestation. They refuse to leave, even though I’ve asked nicely, and thrown away all the rotten food. Could you banish them outside of my house?” an elf asked.
“Certainly,” King Oberon replied. “I will come by your house this afternoon. Where do you live?”
“38 Glitter Happiness Avenue”, the elf said, before leaving.
“Seven of my great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren are sick with the Pixie Pox again, but the nearest drugstore is closed for repairs, and they’re supposed to have school tomorrow,” an elderly pixie mumbled, clutching her cane. “Do you have any spare medicine for that kind of thing?”
“We do!” Titania assured the pixie, handing her a large bottle. “Here you go! Give each of them two tablets, and make sure they get some sleep. They should be better by tomorrow, or the day after at the very least. The tablets are chewable, and they come in six yummy flavors: ‘Bubblegum’, ‘Chocolate’, ‘Watermelon’, ‘Daffodil Yellow’, ‘Jazz Music’, and ‘Petting a Cute Dragon Baby’!”
“Ooh! My youngest loves the ‘Jazz Music’ flavor! Thank you so much!” the pixie said, brightening up. “One more question— can I eat the tablets even though I’m not sick? I personally love anything that tastes like the color of daffodils!”
“Er, no,” Oberon told her. “But here’s a popsicle with that flavor!”
The pixie happily took the popsicle, opened a levitation fan out of the end of her cane, and slowly flew away.
At last, it was Cassandra’s turn. She approached Titania and Oberon, and showed them the journal entry.
“Hmm…” Oberon remarked, not sounding worried at all. “Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Cassandra. We will improve the security systems around the palace, and have more guards fully trained by October.”
“But that won’t be enough!” Cassandra pointed out. “Rachel and Kirsty weren’t there in my vision! What if Jack Frost or the shadow does something to them?!”
Titania placed a hand on Cassandra’s shoulder. “Jack Frost may be evil, but he would never resort to actually murdering anybody. I promise.”
“I didn’t necessarily mean he would kill them! I was thinking he might lock them up, or turn them against Fairyland, or—”
Oberon shook his head. “Rachel and Kirsty would never, ever turn against Fairyland. And if they get locked up, we will free them— plus, they’ve escaped on their own before, too. ”
Cassandra realized that it was pointless to argue any further. “Okay… Thank you for your time, your majesties.” She turned around, and started to dejectedly walk away.
“Wait!” Titania shouted. “You forgot your journal!”
“Oh. Thanks,” Cassandra muttered, taking it back.
Later that night, Titania and Oberon sat together in the royal study.
“This is bad,” Titania whimpered. “Really bad…”
Oberon gravely nodded. “Indeed…”
“If that shadowy figure actually is a shadow, then how will we fight it?! Flashlights? Spotlights? The attack took place at nighttime, so the sun isn’t an option!” Titania worriedly said.
“And what about Jack Frost?!” Oberon grumbled to himself. “He hasn’t stolen anything in months! I should have known it was a trick… again…”
“But the vision showed Jack Frost looking ‘reluctant’,” Titania remembered. “Maybe the shadow is manipulating him… we should visit him after the festival today, and check on him.”
Oberon sighed. “The part that really bothers me is how Jack Frost seemed to be successful at fighting us! He’s normally super incompetent—”
The large doors to the study creaked open, and Storm walked in.
“Hello, Storm,” Oberon said, trying to hide the fact that anything was wrong. “What can we do for you? This is a private room, but if—”
“I saw Cassandra’s prophecy too, and I would like to say that Jack Frost is NOT incompetent, and he never was!” Storm snapped. “Do you not know how much damage he’s caused to the human world and Fairyland alike?!”
“…Damage?” Titania asked, with genuine confusion. “What damage?”
“Well, you know… the time Fairyland almost got flooded by his castle melting? The time he nearly exposed Fairyland to the humans by becoming a rapper? That one time with the Earth Fairies?!” Storm growled, resisting the urge to start screaming.
Titania and Oberon briefly glanced at each other, and looked remorseful.
“Our apologies, Storm,” Titania said. “Jack Frost can indeed be quite dangerous in the short term. But as long as Rachel and Kirsty are around, Jack Frost is harmless in the long term.”
“FINE!” Storm yelled. “Have it your way.”
She turned on her jetpack, and flew off into the night, just as the sun began to rise over Fairyland.
“…I’m still very confused about the time he stole from the Earth Fairies,” Titania eventually said. “Jack Frost said he took their wands because his snowmen are ‘the only things allowed to be green’… But, his snowmen aren’t even green!”
“Yes, that is quite strange…” Oberon agreed.
Storm initially wanted to go and buy a new motorcycle, and then finally get some sleep, but she remembered that she hadn't even said goodbye to Cassandra.
"Cassandra?!" she called out, flying over a field of toadstool houses.
"I'm here," came her sad voice, from behind Storm. "I see you didn't have much luck with the King and Queen, either..."
"Nope," Storm grumbled. "What do we even do now?"
Cassandra shrugged. "I'll see if my vision tomorrow reveals anything else," she promised Storm. "It might not, though— I've never had a vision from more than a few weeks into the future, until today..."
"Thanks anyway. Oh, and do you want to hang out again sometime?" Storm asked. "You're really cool, and I'd love to learn more about fortune-telling! It sounds really fun!"
"It's actually not that fun..." Cassandra confessed. "All the good movies get spoiled by my predictions, before I can even watch them! But yes, I'd like to hang out with you later."
She's not the only one... I wish my lightning wasn't able to damage anything, Storm thought to herself. Most of the other fairies have nearly-harmless magic. Hayley the Rain Fairy's magic water can't even spill into buildings! But of course, with MY luck being what it is...
"See you around, then!" Storm told Cassandra, waving.
"Bye!"
"Bye!"
Once the sun had fully risen, a young fairy in a toadstool house woke up to the sound of her alarm. Unfortunately for her neighbors, her alarm clock had been dropped in water the previous night, due to an accident involving a portable pool, her younger sister, and that sister somehow mistaking the alarm clock for a portable water-jet maker.
MERP! BLERP! BLEHP! BLUH! went the alarm, very loudly.
The fairy, Juliana, sprung out of bed, and hit the "OFF" button— but the wet beeping didn't stop, so she threw the clock on the ground as hard as she could. That did the trick, and her neighbors all sighed in relief.
"That sounded horrible!" Juliana's mother remarked, wheeling her wheelchair into the bedroom.
"Sorry, mom..." Juliana sleepily groaned. "I should have just used my FairyPhone's alarm..."
"It's fine," her mother assured her. "Let's have breakfast now, okay?"
That day was very important to Juliana, as it was the day she would receive her magic! At 10 AM, she would receive her magical job assignment in front of all of Fairyland. However, nobody ever knew what any fairy would end up doing with their magic, except for the King and Queen, who tried to keep that part under wraps until it was time. Still, Juliana had a sneaking suspicion that it would have something to do with fixing or building things, since that was her hobby, and every job had something to do with the fairy's interests or personality— no matter how loosely.
Juliana's mother, Elsie the Engineer Fairy, could barely move her legs, and her wings were very weak, due to a birth condition. Fairyland's magic wheelchairs were leagues above the human world's wheelchairs, but until Elsie came along, they couldn't be controlled very well when hovering. She built herself a wheelchair with unprecedented flying capabilities, and started a program to distribute those wheelchairs for free. Elsie even anonymously shared the designs for her wheelchairs with the humans on Earth— on the condition that the design never be patented. And, of course, she had to leave out the flying and hovering.
It was clear that Juliana had inherited her mother's passion for tinkering. She had also inherited the leg issues, but not the wing issues, and Juliana used a cane rather than a wheelchair, since her legs were somewhat stronger than Elsie's.
After eating some fairyberry pancakes topped with butterfly honey and fairy dust, Juliana and Elsie made preparations for the ceremony. Juliana wore her favorite magenta and lime green dress, put her dark brown hair into a high ponytail, and wrapped rainbow party streamers tightly around her cane. Elsie was never one for formalness, so she just wore her same old greasy, charred engineer outfit.
"I'm so excited!" Juliana exclaimed to Elsie, hugging her. "It's finally the most important day of my life!"
"So far," Elsie corrected her. "Someday, you might receive help from Rachel and Kirsty, or get married, or—"
"I know, mom. Is it really that big of a deal to have an adventure with Rachel and Kirsty, though? Don't those adventures involve, you know, having your magic items stolen by Jack Frost?" Juliana skeptically asked.
Elsie giggled. "Rachel and Kirsty have been friends with us fairies for over twenty years! Going on adventures with them is basically a rite of passage at this point. I can't speak for everyone, but my adventure with them was a lot of fun!"
"Well, okay," Juliana replied. "We have about an hour before my ceremony, so what should we do?"
"Shop for spoons and straws, of course," Elsie casually responded.
"...Why?" Juliana asked. "Don't we already have a lot?"
"They're for the celebration, silly!" Elsie vaguely responded.
Juliana raised an eyebrow. "I thought food wasn't allowed at the job ceremonies! There was this one fairy who ended up with spoiled yogurt as one of her—"
"Magic objects. I know," Elsie said. Then, her eyes widened. "Hold on... do you not know about the Great Smoothie Festival?"
"The what?" Juliana asked.
Elsie facepalmed in embarrassment. "I'm so sorry... I assumed you already knew! I apologize, sweetheart..."
Juliana rolled her eyes. "I was only born three weeks ago, mom! I don't know most things yet!"
"Right... Well, the Great Smoothie Festival celebrates the legacy of two humans, who are friends with the fairies, just like Rachel and Kirsty. It's by far the most important festival in all of Fairyland's history!" Elsie explained, with an excited tone in her voice.
"But is it really more important than Halloween?" Juliana skeptically asked. "What about Christmas? Or—"
A mysterious twinkle appeared in Elsie's eyes. "Yes, it is more important than Halloween and Christmas."
"But why?" Juliana asked.
"You'll see..." Elsie cryptically replied.
After shopping for spoons and straws, plus some more fairyberries, and a new educational video game for Juliana's younger sister, it was time for the ceremony.
Almost every citizen of Fairyland stood in a large crowd in the palace's courtyard, but Juliana felt no stage fright at all— she had waited for this moment her entire life. Elsie, her little sister, all her friends, and her entire extended family were eagerly waving at her. Juliana waved back, and grinned widely.
Queen Titania stood by her jeweled crown, which lay on a velvet pillow, while Oberon approached Juliana, and handed her a lime green wand.
"It won't do anything until you receive your job and magic," Oberon told her as she gazed at it, "But it's certainly beautiful, isn't it? William the Wandmaking Fairy always does such a nice job..."
Juliana looked up at Oberon with starstruck eyes— she had never actually talked to the King or Queen before, or even been to the royal palace. "Yes, it certainly is beautiful! Tell William that I like it, please," she requested.
Oberon warmly smiled at her. "Of course, Juliana."
"It is time. Please step forward, and touch your wand to the rainbow which will soon appear out of the crown," Titania kindly stated.
Bertram, a plump green frog who worked for the King and Queen, held up the pillow, and a gorgeous rainbow was emitted from it, bathing the entire courtyard in prismatic light.
"Do you, Juliana, vow to always do what is best for Fairyland, the human world, and yourself?" Bertram asked.
"Yes!" Juliana happily responded, trembling with anticipation.
Bertram's expression suddenly soured a bit. "And did you sneak in any food or other small objects which may interfere with the ceremony?"
"No," Juliana said.
"Then you may dip your wand into the rainbow," Bertram stated, stepping aside and leaving the pillow to float in midair.
As soon as Juliana touched the tip of her lime green wand to the rainbow, she felt a rush of power inside of her heart. The rainbow faded, but the wand shimmered with magenta fairy dust— and what appeared to be tiny, temporary steering wheels made of light.
"You are now... Juliana the Jalopy fairy!" Titania loudly announced, as the crowd roared with applause and cheers.
"Congratulations, sweetheart!" Elsie shouted.
Bertram gave Juliana the frog equivalent of a thumbs-up. "Aha, I was wondering when we would get a Jalopy Fairy!"
As the applause died down, so did Juliana's smile. After a few seconds of awkward silence, she blurted out, "What the heck is a 'jalopy'?!"
Oberon walked up to her. "It's an old, broken car in the human world. Juliana, your job has three parts: Making sure jalopies get fixed or properly recycled, preventing humans who seek jalopy-related services from being scammed out of their time or money, and ensuring that nobody tries to drive or buy one without knowing it's a jalopy."
"So... I deal with broken cars...?" Juliana asked.
"You do," Titania simply replied.
Juliana's eyes lit up with sheer happiness. "YES! This really IS the best day of my life!"
More applause rang out, and Titania handed Juliana three small boxes with gift ribbons on them. "Here are your three magical objects: A broken car engine, a smashed-up steering wheel, and a rusty piece of a car door!"
Juliana excitedly handed the steering wheel and the door piece down to Elsie, but accidentally dropped the car engine on the ground— and it exploded.
"No worries!" Oberon assured Juliana. "I made a spare, just in case! Don't drop this one, though, okay?"
"I won't!" Juliana promised, after making sure Elsie wasn't hurt by the explosion. She was fine, but her engineer outfit was even greasier and more charred than before— not like she cared, though.
Titania walked to the center of the courtyard, and held her hand over a large white button. "That concludes our job ceremony for today... and I proclaim that the Great Smoothie Festival begins... NOW!"
Titania slammed her hand on the button, and several areas of the courtyard flipped over, to reveal thousands of tables with tall smoothie glasses on them.
Meanwhile in the farthest corner of Fairyland, Jack Frost was plotting another theft in his ice castle.
"Here is my evil plan," he told his army of snowmen. "Step one— we go to the festival! Step two— we steal the magic smoothie-making microwaves! Step three— we escape!" Nearly all of the snowmen clapped, but a few of the younger snowmen looked confused.
One of those young snowmen, an apprentice wizard named Dime, had been given his name because Jack Frost had tried to name him after Nikola Tesla, in the hopes of making him more intelligent than the other snowmen. Unfortunately for Dime, Jack Frost thought Tesla's first name was Nickel, and then he mentally mixed up the American coin currencies on Earth, so Nikola became Dime.
"Sir," Dime said, "I am confused about this plan. How will we sneak in without being noticed? And how do we escape before they notice the microwaves are missing?"
Jack Frost scowled at Dime. "How DARE you question me! I have a truly diabolical plan!" he shouted.
"...Okay," Dime said.
"Anyhow," Jack Frost snapped, "I need exactly one hundred of you snowmen to come with me. Those in my Anti-Kirsty-and-Rachel-Team get priority."
Two hundred snowmen stood up, but since only one hundred could come, they shoved each other around until only one hundred still cared enough. After that shoving match was over, Dime tapped Jack Frost on the shoulder.
Jack Frost quickly spun around. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" he bellowed furiously, like an angry elephant using a tornado-warning siren as a megaphone.
"Sir... I just wondered why we're going after the Smoothie Restaurant Fairies..." Dime cautiously said.
"That is NONE of your business!" Jack Frost shouted.
"But you always tell us what you plan to do with the magic items you steal from the fairies!" another snowman protested.
"He's right!"
"Yeah!"
"You do!"
"SILENCE! I cannot say why this time... but I will tell you that you're all going to be very happy when I succeed..."
Murmuring and quiet speculation spread across the room of snowmen, while Jack Frost impatiently glared down at them from his throne. He cleared his throat and adjusted his icicle beard.
"And, for tradition's sake, I need an evil poem— let me think here..."
I, Jack Frost, am truly the best!
I am so much (literally) cooler than all the rest!
Those fairies all stink!
Some roses are pink!
I'm so evil, that I live in a spooky castle!
If I say so, my snowmen fast pull!
Fairyland is so happy and weird!
I never need to trim my beard!
Jack Frost awaited the applause of his snowmen, but it was scattered and half-hearted.
"That was a terrible poem, sir," one of the snowmen in the back said.
"EXCUSE ME?" Jack Frost yelled.
"I mean, rhyming 'castle' with 'fast pull'? That's terrible..." Dime said, visibly cringing.
"Oh, give me a break!" Jack Frost snarled. "Composing spontaneous poetry is hard enough, but those irritating Smoothie Restaurant Fairies don't even have a consistent theme!"
"What do you mean?" Dime asked.
Jack Frost leaned in close to Dime. "Really, now— what do volcanic eruptions and Christmas have in common? Tell me."
"They both ruin shopping malls."
"Okay, I'll give you that one— but what about cat videos and lawsuits?"
"YouTube has received large numbers of both over the years."
"AAAARGHH!" Jack Frost shrieked. "Leave me alone! I'm going to go eat lots of candy after I steal those microwaves!"
He fired several icicles into the nearest wall, and then stomped out of the castle, with the hundred members of his Anti-Kirsty-and-Rachel-Team following behind him.
"Uh... my magic accidentally replaced his entire candy stash with broken school calculators and low-quality paintings of emus," Dime confessed. "We'd better not mention that to him, okay?"
Several snowmen started shoving Dime around. Since the floor was made of ice, he slid around a lot.
"What's an emu?" one of the snowmen asked.
"A giant Australian bird," another replied.
"But why would anyone paint a bird?!"
"Same reason they paint trees, I guess."
Back in Fairyland, the entire population was gathered in the courtyard— from Aayva the Aardvark Fairy to Zupé the Zucchini Bread Fairy.
King Oberon and Queen Titania were standing on a high podium, along with the seven Smoothie Restaurant Fairies. Everybody was already sitting down at a table, with their spoons and straws ready to go.
"Greetings, everyone!" Titania said, waving at the crowd. "We are so excited to start the 50th annual Great Smoothie Festival!"
The clapping was even louder than it had been at Juliana's ceremony. I guess my mom wasn't kidding, she thought to herself. This really must be the most important holiday in Fairyland...
"And now, Edwin the Exposition Fairy will tell the story of how our beloved Smoothie Festival came to be!" Oberon announced.
The subsequent applause wasn't very enthusiastic. Juliana assumed that Edwin gave the speech every year— and she was completely right.
Edwin was a boy fairy with dyed green hair, and a formal tuxedo. He quietly cleared his throat, walked over to the microphone, and began his speech.
"The year was 1973. Two elderly men named Hank Ribeiro and Hubert Figtree were down on their luck. They had hoped to marry each other, but their home country of Portugal did not allow gay marriage at that time. The two of them also could not raise enough money to start their own smoothie restaurant, which they both had wanted to do since they were kids. Hank kept accidentally dropping his contact lenses down the sink, too. But all of that changed... when they met Cherry the Cake Fairy!"
Proper applause erupted amongst the courtyard, and Cherry awkwardly waved.
"Hi!" she said. "I never really got used to big crowds..."
"Cherry overheard their problem while secretly visiting a bakery in Portugal," Edwin continued. "As you all know— and the only reason I'm telling you again is because I'm the Exposition Fairy— us magical beings are not allowed to initiate contact with mortals from Earth. However, they may discover us, if they truly believe in magic. Just like Rachel and Kirsty did!"
More loud clapping ensued, but Juliana quickly raised her hand. "Why aren't Rachel and Kirsty here at the party?" she asked, upon being called on.
King Oberon smiled down at her from the podium. "The smoothies we serve here taste horrible to humans," he calmly explained. "If we invited Rachel and Kirsty, they would be sad that they couldn't eat any of them. It's for the best that we don't make them feel left out, so we don't invite them... or even let them know of the existence of this festival."
Quiet murmurs of agreement were exchanged between the crowd's members. Juliana said nothing, but put a hand to her ear, so she could hear them better.
"Yeah, I guess it's best to not know what you can't have."
"I do wish they could enjoy the smoothies, but I suppose it can't be helped..."
"At least they can come to all the other festivals."
Juliana was not entirely satisfied with this answer. The way Oberon worded that last part— it sounds like he's hiding something, she thought to herself. But it would be rude to interrupt the party again. I'll see if I can talk to Oberon and Titania after the festival is over.
Edwin waited for the chatter to finish completely, and picked the microphone back up. "Cherry was just about to leave the bakery, when Hank and Hubert caught her in a jar, and took her to their house. She assumed they were going to hurt her, but Hank and Hubert just wanted to talk to her, and ask all the obvious questions about magic. Cherry told them, among other things, that yes, unicorns are real— and no, us fairies don't kidnap children like in 'fairy tales'."
"Could we sue the people who made the fairy tales for slander?" Josie the Jewelry Fairy asked.
"No, because that would reveal us to the humans," Titania said.
"And the correct term is 'libel', since fairy tales are written," added Shelley the Sugar Fairy.
"No, fairy tales came long before the printing press," Oberon corrected her.
"Oh," Shelley said.
"Hank and Hubert were visited by Cherry every few days. She soon learned of their plights, and offered to take them to Fairyland, where they could get married and start a smoothie restaurant, and Hank could receive magical contact lenses that wouldn't constantly fall down the sink," Edwin said. "They happily accepted, and were officially married in Fairyland, by our Rainbow Fairies and our wedding-related fairies."
"We're called the Rainbow Fairies for more than one reason!" Amber the Orange Fairy shouted out, resulting in even more clapping.
"However," Edwin added, "They soon missed their friends from Earth, and so they returned, though they still visited Fairyland frequently. Additionally, when 'civil partnerships' were legalized in Portugal in 2001, they received one— although they vastly preferred their Fairyland marriage, of course."
Edwin winked at the crowd. "Now, those who are new to this festival may be wondering— how does this tie into our festival today? Well, with our permission, they secretly used some of our fairy dust in their smoothie recipes. Unfortunately, as Oberon said before, humans cannot enjoy abstract-flavored food, so their restaurant in the human world was an infamous failure... but our yearly festival is a tribute to the seven magic flavors that they attempted to sell on Earth. Our seven Smoothie Restaurant Fairies were originally separate in category from each other— they had no special object other than their wands, and no relation to smoothies. But when this festival was created, we assigned them their magic microwaves, so those flavors could be properly memorialized... and served in large amounts at this party!"
All seven Smoothie Restaurant Fairies walked up beside Edwin. "Now, let me introduce your flavors, and the fairies behind them: Gertrude the Quantum Physics Fairy! Mildred the Cat Video Fairy! Hollimarc the Watching Christmas Movies in Summer Fairy! Pippi the Talking Animals Fairy! KABÕŌÒÔÖM the Volcanic Eruption Fairy! Aventurine the Lawsuit Fairy! And, last but not least, Dolly the Cloning Fairy!"
After that round of applause died down, Juliana raised her hand again.
"Yes?" Titania asked.
"...And then what happened to Hank and Hubert?" Juliana questioned. "Did they get married a second time, in 2010, when gay marriage was fully legalized in Portugal? And why don't they visit Fairyland anymore, like Rachel and Kirsty always do?"
Titania's cheerful expression faltered slightly. "That's a story for another day."
"Oberon and Titania always say that whenever someone asks about Hank and Hubert..." Elsie whispered in Juliana's ear. "They're probably just busy... but I can't shake the feeling that something really bad happened to them..."
"They both died of old age in 2002," Bertram interjected, to Elsie's horror.
Bobbi the Bouncy Castle Fairy elbowed Bertram. "We're not supposed to talk about that!" she warned him.
"I think that rule is complete garbage," Bertram snapped, hopping away.
Elsie looked at Juliana with tears in her eyes. "Please tell me he's lying..."
"I don't think he is," Juliana regretfully informed her mother. "But why would Oberon, Titania, and Edwin leave that part out? I mean, Edwin said they were already elderly in 1973, so they must have lived to be at least over 100... I'll ask them for more details after the festival."
"DON'T!" Elsie insisted, as she began sobbing into her hands. Juliana tried to comfort her as best as she could, but to no avail.
"Okay!" Oberon suddenly shouted. "I declare the 50th Great Smoothie Festival to have officially started! Dig in!"
The magic microwaves were plugged in, as cheers erupted across the palace grounds, and fireworks made of fairy dust shot up into the air. But then, a chilly gust of wind blew through the area, and Jack Frost stomped into the courtyard!
"Why wasn't I invited?" he asked coldly, glaring sharply at Oberon and Titania.
"I think you know the reason why, Jack Frost," Titania replied bitterly.
Jack Frost rolled his eyes. "Oh, it's because I used five straws at once, isn't it?"
"No!" Titania clarified. "That was perfectly fine— we have a nearly-unlimited supply of straws. The reason you aren't allowed to join anymore is because last year, you used the festival as an excuse to enter the royal palace, so you could steal the seven gems from my crown! Again!"
"But I didn't succeed, now did I?" Jack Frost smugly asked. A genuinely puzzled look soon crossed his face. "Actually, now that I think about it, why have I never been able to successfully steal the same thing more than once?"
"...That is, indeed, an interesting point," Oberon said, scratching his beard. "But you still aren't allowed to join us!"
Jack Frost started pouting. "Can I please have just a little bit of the smoothies?"
"Of course!" Titania said. "Just like I told you last time, you can always order the smoothies through the mail! And you can do it at any time of the year, too!"
"I DON'T CARE!" Jack Frost yelled, climbing onto the podium. "NOW!"
And with that, a crowd of one hundred snowmen stormed into the courtyard, and ran straight towards the platform which held the magic smoothie-making microwaves.
"NOOOOOOO!" Titania and Oberon helplessly shouted, panickedly waving their arms around as the snowmen carried away the seven microwaves.
"SO LONG!" Jack Frost bellowed, as he ran off into the distance with his snowmen following behind him and cackling.
After the snowmen and Jack Frost had vanished over the horizon, Sienna the Saturday Fairy stood up from the back of the table.
"Does that mean I can use more than one straw next time?" she asked.
Titania wearily nodded. "Yes, Sienna."
Juliana just stood there in shock— she hadn't expected Jack Frost to be that scary. Elsie had stopped crying, but still clung tightly to her daughter.
Up on the podium, Storm the Lightning Fairy stomped up to the distraught King and Queen. "I WARNED YOU!" she shouted, before abruptly flying away.
"Listen," Oberon told Gertrude the Quantum Physics Fairy, "Your microwave is the most important out of all seven. Find Rachel and Kirsty immediately."
"Okay... But what sort of cover-up do I use about the festival?" she nervously asked.
Titania and Oberon looked at each other, and nodded. "They may know of the festival now, given the circumstances... but they may not know of what happened to Hank and Hubert. Not a word of it."
"Are you sure?" Gertrude questioned.
"Yes! Go now!" Titania urged her.
And in the back of the crowd, Cassandra had fainted, but was brought back to consciousness by Storm sprinkling fairy dust on her.
"We... are... doomed..." she groaned. "Completely... and... utterly... doomed..."
"No, we aren't," Storm assured her. "We can fix this. The prophecy is not set in stone."
"This... is... not... about... the... vision..." Cassandra mumbled. "Quantum... physics... controls... THE UNIVERSE!" She gasped, sprung up, and had to lay back down right after.
Storm felt a chill go through her heart. "You're right... Without that microwave... Oh, no... The world will end if Rachel and Kirsty don't fix this!"
End of Prologue One...
-These context notes will be at the end of each chapter, but they (usually) won't be as long as the ones in this chapter. I didn't want to bog down this story's introductory notes TOO much, so I'm going to dump a whole lot of info below...
-This story takes place in a "nicer" version of reality— primarily because of the fairies' positive influence on the Earth. For example, that means COVID-19 didn't become a pandemic in this fic's universe, and climate change is less of an issue... but it's still a threat, given the canon existence of the Earth/Green Fairies...
-Speaking of the Earth Fairies, the part about Jack Frost's snowmen "not being green" was a joke regarding the snowmen replacing the goblins in the fic. I realized that it created a minor plot hole, so I just made fun of it instead of trying to come up with a contrived explanation.
-In the earlier, deleted, lower-quality versions of this fic, the humor was a lot more frequent, but in hindsight, not all of the jokes 'landed'. I've spread out the jokes, so this story can have both drama and comedy, but don't worry— this is still a parody fic first and foremost :)
-In regards to Elsie's disability (it's canon that she uses a wheelchair, for the record): As stated in the opening notes, I want to keep my stories as far away from bigotry as possible. So if I messed anything up with my portrayals of disabilities, gay marriage, or anything else, please let me know! I hope for my stories to be accessible and harmless. (If anyone's concerned about how Hank and Hubert are dead, but are also the only queer characters shown so far: Don't worry, there will be a LOT of other queer representation in this fic. And just because Hank and Hubert died, that doesn't mean they won't have active roles in the plot... *wink wink*)
-There will be two more prologues to this story, for a total of three. The second and third prologues will shift the focus to Rachel and Kirsty. After all three prologues are over, the story's format will be structured around each of the seven Smoothie Restaurant Fairies.
-Of the fairies who appeared in this chapter: Juliana, Cassandra, Aayva, Zupé, Edwin, and the seven Smoothie Restaurant Fairies are OCs— whereas Storm, Elsie, and all the others are canon. Dime the snowman and Hank and Hubert are OCs, too. (And yes, there will be a lot of OCs in this story, but some of them are only there for comedic purposes.)
-Cassandra the Fortune Teller Fairy was named after the Greek mythology character Cassandra, who was cursed to speak true prophecies, but never be believed by anyone. She was also inspired by Bruno from Encanto. I really hope I made her personality and appearance distinct enough from Bruno's, because I don't want her to be a direct ripoff...
-I make zero guarantees as to what would happen if a smoothie was microwaved!
-If you've already read one (or more) of the previous, deleted versions of this fic: You can rest assured that while many aspects of the story's plot have been newly added or been expanded upon, almost nothing has been cut out. So, yes— that sparkly pink character with the pogo stick will be important. And if you don't know who I'm talking about, wait and see!
-Please consider leaving me a comment on this story! I worked really hard on it, but since I'm the author, it's really not my place to say if it's good or not... I need feedback to help me improve! Sharing links to this fic on social media is also appreciated :)