Before we start, here's some context:
This story has been previously posted online several times, across many websites, under many of my old usernames. This is the final version, though.
I honestly don't remember why I wrote this, but it was (thankfully) never intended to be serious. It was originally written in, like... 2017? 2018? I'm not entirely sure. It was also written entirely in one sitting, starting at about 2 AM.
Even though this story was written in the midst of a dark time in my life, I still like to come back to it and laugh at how over-the-top it was. Which means, yes, you are welcome to laugh at it if you find it funny; you don't need to feel guilty at all. I'm in a MUCH better place with my mental health now, and you don't need to worry about me.
Also, very little of what happens in this story actually occurred in real life. In other words, I'm not quite as messed up mentally as this story would have you think.
PLEASE ALSO NOTE: A real-life famous person appears in this story as a character. To be clear, I normally wouldn't have done this. However:
1) He is NOT involved in any pairings or ships.
2) He's been dead in real life for over 20 years.
3) I wrote this story before I knew anything about fanfiction.
Last but not least, the content warnings: This story contains character death (not graphic), attempted forced marriage (not successful), and demonic rituals.
Okay, intro over. Here we go (sorry in advance for hurting your mind):
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First things first, I'm a lamp.
Yes, really. I am 100% lamp, and 0% anything else. I'm not even the tiniest bit human. And I never was.
No, you can't ask how I'm writing this. You aren't allowed to inquire about my sentience, either. The only information I will give you is that I am a floor lamp. Not a wall lamp, definitely not a ceiling lamp, and don't you DARE call me a lantern.
I was born in an Australian lamp factory on October 21st, 2013. I never met my mom— she was sent off to Antarctica for some scientists to test a new laughter-powered electricity generator. The lead scientist of the project said it would "transform humanity". Of course, that didn't happen, but I was still proud of my mom for trying to help.
My dad, however, wasn't a lamp. He was a fridge. Despite the differences between us, we had a great relationship— watching the other lamps get shipped off was our favorite hobby. We would dream every night of where we would go. Neither of us were sent off until November 18th, 2014. My father got sent to Canada, but only two weeks after he arrived in a nice house, a teenage human dude stole him and threw him into a nearby active volcano. When I found out, I cried for weeks. Finally, that same year, on the 27th of December, I was shipped off to a lamp store in America.
My tale of woe begins in 2015, when this nice human lady named Roxanne picked me up from the lamp store. She promised to take care of me, and I believed her. I don't think she knew I was sentient— she said the same thing to a box of pancake mix. She was a therapist for an elementary school.
For a few weeks, everything went great. I still missed my dad, but Roxanne and the kids who came to see her were all polite and friendly— although they did have some... issues going on.
One kid was obsessed with Call of Doody, even though he was only nine. Another kid had tried (and mercifully failed) to steal his mom's credit card for money to spend on bubblegum-flavored bubblegum.
Before long, I realized that I could sort of see into the kids' minds. I couldn't tell exactly what they were thinking at first, but as time went on, I gained all kinds of abilities. I was able to read their thoughts and see the intensity of their emotions. I couldn't communicate back, verbally or mentally, but I felt glad to know that all of the kids had their emotional problems taken care of by Roxanne.
Until Kelsey arrived.
Kelsey was a 13-year-old girl with weird glasses. Apparently, Kelsey and Roxanne had known each other for many years, but this was Kelsey's first therapy visit since she had graduated from elementary school. I felt right away, from the moment Kelsey walked into Roxanne's office, that she was very angry.
Kelsey's aunt, a woman named Mindy, left the room after talking with Roxanne about the weather for a few minutes. Then, all heck broke loose.
"ROXANNE! MY AUNT YELLED AT ME FOR LEAVING THE FRIDGE OPEN!" Kelsey bellowed, with surprising volume.
Roxanne was briefly surprised at Kelsey's outburst, but soon regained her composure. I had no way of knowing Roxanne's exact feelings, since my powers didn't seem to work on adults.
"Well, Kelsey, what were the circumstances?" Roxanne inquired.
"You see, I always leave the fridge open overnight, but my aunt caught me this time. She said she figured it out because the milk kept spoiling," Kelsey bitterly replied.
"Why were you leaving it open in the first place?"
"That's none of your business!"
"It is my business," Roxanne said. "I am your therapist. And that's a waste of good milk, too!"
Kelsey slammed her fist on the table. "ONE, I AM KEEPING MY MOTIVATIONS SECRET FOR A REASON— IF MY AUNT FINDS OUT WHY I'M LEAVING THE FRIDGE OPEN, I WILL DIE. AND TWO, MIND YOUR OWN GOSH-DANGED BUSINESS!"
Roxanne just kinda stared for a minute. Then, she said, "Please try to speak calmly. Why would you die if you told her?"
"Because she's EVIL."
"Kelsey, your aunt is not evil."
"SHE IS! Why else would she own a fridge? All fridges are more evil than her!"
I sensed Kelsey's anger using my powers, but I was furious too. Why was she talking about fridges in this way?! My dead father was NOT evil! I couldn't believe what she was saying.
Roxanne tried once again to reason with her. "Please, Kelsey, your aunt takes care of you, and adopted you after your parents died from the asteroid. She loves you, and is not evil! ...Also, why do you hate fridges so much?"
Kelsey scowled. "First of all, if my aunt actually loved me, she would have thrown the fridge away after she caught me. And second, I hate fridges because... because... because... BECAUSE... uh..."
This went on for a while. Roxanne would ask Kelsey a question, and Kelsey would either yell at the top of her lungs about how her Aunt Mindy was evil, or start to say why she hated fridges, but stop herself... with much effort.
Before long, it was time for Kelsey's aunt to come back in. Kelsey immediately calmed down, talked to her aunt, and they both left. Roxanne stood there for a few minutes, and then said, "Wow."
The next week, Kelsey came back into the office. This time, she was even angrier. I could feel the raging fire in her mind. There was something else in her brain— another emotion besides anger— but I couldn't figure out what it was, and it didn't feel relevant to the fridge problem, so I just ignored it.
"SO, ARE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT FRIDGES OR NOT?" Kelsey shrieked, immediately after Mindy left the room. Roxanne sighed.
"Kelsey... I've told you, your aunt is not evil. And she called me yesterday and told me you've been leaving the fridge open every single night this week. Why are you doing this?!"
"Well, my aunt WON'T LISTEN TO ME!"
Roxanne paused. "What are you trying to get her to listen to?"
"MY HATRED OF FRIDGES!"
They argued for quite a while. Roxanne kept trying to defend fridges, whereas Kelsey was shrieking about how they were "responsible for the existence of the letter "C".
I didn't know what the letter "C" had to do with slandering the good name of fridges. All I knew was that Kelsey was a potentially dangerous person.
And yet, she returned the next week. This time, they argued about if saying the word "fridge" sixty-six times in front of another person would kill you. I had never heard such lies in my entire life— and I'm pretty sure Kelsey said "fridge" at least 170 times during that conversation.
And the week after THAT, Roxanne and Kelsey fought about if fridges could kill people as they slept. From what I could tell using my powers, Kelsey seemed to genuinely think that her fridge was going to murder her. The unidentified emotion was still at the back of her brain.
I wanted to point out that if the fridge WAS planning on murdering her, leaving its doors open every night (yes, Kelsey was still doing that, and the milk always spoiled) wouldn't exactly defuse the situation. And besides, how was Kelsey living with spoiled milk all the time? Her aunt had briefly said that she kept drinking it anyway.
Months passed, and Kelsey was now 14. By this point, her weekly shouting matches with Roxanne were starting to ruin my life. I couldn't bear one more day of Kelsey saying bad things about innocent fridges. Heck, I even felt sorry for her Aunt Mindy, who clearly wasn't evil, despite Kelsey's insistence. And yes, she was STILL leaving the fridge open at night, and still even thought she would die from either a fridge, her aunt, or revealing her motivations.
On the day I was about to lose it, however, an interesting development occurred. Kelsey was shrieking at Roxanne like normal, when Roxanne (who was getting tired of this by now) asked Kelsey, once again, why she hated fridges.
Then... it happened. Kelsey took a deep breath and said, "I don't really hate fridges. I pretend to, because... well... I have a serious crush on my fridge. I've been wanting to ask her out, but whenever I open her doors to talk to her and ask her out, I get scared and run away, without remembering to close them. I bet she hates me by now! And I don't hate my aunt, either— I tried to ask her for help, and she told me that the fridge— her name is Gloria— isn't sentient! Aunt Mindy never listens to me! It's not fair!!!!" Kelsey sat down and looked like she was about to cry. It was then when I realized that the "unidentified emotion" in her mind was her love for Gloria.
Roxanne was stunned. Then, she said, "Well, if you insist, I can help you ask Gloria to date you. Would you like me to do that?"
Kelsey was silent for thirty seconds, but then she giggled a bit. Then she burst into full-out maniacal laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHA! I COULD NEVER DO THAT! GLORIA WILL NEVER LOVE ME!"
Kelsey collapsed to the floor and started rolling around while cackling.
I couldn't believe this. All this time, and Kelsey was only PRETENDING to hate fridges?! And she loved one, too? But then, I realized something: Kelsey almost certainly knew the fridge was sentient, so why hadn't she tried talking to ME? Something here was... off.
For the rest of the meeting, Kelsey couldn't stop giggling creepily. By the end, she complained (between giggles) that her stomach hurt from laughing too hard. During all of this, Roxanne just sat there, facepalming.
Then Mindy walked in, and Kelsey suddenly stopped laughing. Roxanne made a hand motion for both of them to leave. So they did... and on the way out, Kelsey shot Roxanne an evil glare.
The rest of the week was full of dread— both for me and for Roxanne. I was just concerned about Kelsey's mental stability, but Roxanne was also concerned about Kelsey's physical health. Apparently, spoiled milk isn't good for humans.
When the day came for Kelsey's next appointment, I decided that I would try and actually talk to her. It was the least I could do.
As soon as her aunt left, Kelsey broke into hysterical laughter once again. This time, however, she was also sobbing.
"Roxanne... Gloria turned me down!" she whimpered, and I could feel the sheer devastation in her mind. Roxanne shrugged.
"Well, Kelsey, I'm proud of you for going ahead and asking her... but you were letting all her milk (and probably other food, too) go bad by leaving her doors open overnight... for MONTHS. I don't blame her."
Kelsey shrieked and collapsed to the ground. "WHY, ROXANNE? WHY WOULD YOU AGREE WITH GLORIA? I HATE HER NOW! SHE REJECTED MY LOVE WHEN I NEEDED HER THE MOST! AAAAAAAAA!"
Then, Roxanne got angry. "Kelsey, Gloria does not owe you her love! If you treat someone badly, they won't want to be near you!" Then, she paused. "Actually, wait. How did you find out she was sentient? I'm kind of curious."
Kelsey made the scariest face I had ever seen a human make. "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR CONCERN, YOU HORRIBLE PERSON!!!!!"
"Do not call me that."
"I CAN CALL YOU WHATEVER I WANT! I HAVE THE POWER, THE UNLIMITED ABILITY TO DO ANYTHING! YOU SEE, I AM ACTUALLY—"
But then, there was a loud KNOCK-KNOCK at the door. Kelsey let loose an ear-splitting screech, and ran towards the coat closet in the corner of the room.
I didn't have time to react, for at the exact minute Kelsey opened the closet door, I fell to the ground. The closet door had hit me as Kelsey opened it.
Us lamps don't feel physical pain, but the emotional pain I felt was indescribable when I saw who was on the other side of the door.
It was Aunt Mindy. And yes, she saw Kelsey trying to force herself into the extremely small and already-filled-to-the-brim coat closet. While breathing heavily and with an absolutely terrified expression on her face. Uh-oh.
"K-Kelsey?!" Mindy stammered, glancing from her to me to Roxanne.
Roxanne sighed in exasperation. "To make a long story short—"
"NO, ROXANNE! DON'T DO IT!" Kelsey shrieked.
"—Your niece had a crush on your fridge. Kelsey says her name is Gloria, and she can talk, but Gloria turned her down or something, and for the past, like, five months, she's been ranting and screaming about things like fridges killing people as they sleep, and you being evil. Do you know anything about this?"
I felt Kelsey's internal thoughts turn from "SHEER FURY" to "OH NO". But then, she stood up, walked away from the closet door, and looked her aunt in the eyes.
"Aunt Mindy, I really did love Gloria. But I ruined my chances with her by leaving her doors open and spoiling the milk. I just want to stop having to drink spoiled milk all the time, and move on with my life. But I can't. Gloria will haunt my thoughts forev—"
Kelsey suddenly fainted.
She woke up a few minutes later, and her aunt hurried her out of the building to get her home. But as she was being carried out in Mindy's arms, she turned her head directly towards me and whispered, "I will kill you." As Roxanne picked me up off of the floor, I felt her hands shaking really hard. She was trembling in fear.
I didn't sleep that night.
The next morning, I saw Roxanne bringing in a TV for the office. It was a nice TV, with 4K resolution and a free Netflix subscription included. I was kinda excited! Roxanne opened a cup of coffee and started drinking it.
But then, she turned on the News Channel. The scrolling bar thingy at the bottom read, and I quote exactly, "ANTARCTIC ELECTRICITY EXPERIMENT A SUCCESS— AFTER TWO AND A HALF YEARS OF RIDICULE."
I had a spark of hope. My mother was part of that experiment! Suddenly, the news anchor dude's clip switched to a clip of a "Laugh-o-Meter" reaching a value so high that it exploded! One of the scientists said, "The laughter appears to be coming from a teenage girl named Kelsey!"
Roxanne spat out her coffee, and I didn't blame her. Was Kelsey's creepy laughter REALLY that powerful? But the next image the news showed scarred me for life.
My mom. Exploded. Too much laughter. Electricity overload. Destroyed. DEAD.
I started sobbing— I was an orphan now. Kelsey had killed my mother.
Roxanne stood up, and went to make a phone call. There was silence for a few minutes. Suddenly, Roxanne screamed, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE RAN AWAY?!"
I felt like I was going to burst from fear. Had Kelsey gone to do something to the scientists? To steal my mom's corpse and throw it in a volcano?
Roxanne left the building to find Kelsey, and neither of them returned that evening. At exactly midnight, I heard the sound of wood scraping glass.
Then, someone entered the room through a broken window.
It was Kelsey.
She was wearing a black and red outfit with a hood.
And she had a terrifying smirk on her face.
"Hello, Lampy."
Those words are the last thing I remember, before being clonked on the side of my lampshade by something heavy.
Then I woke up. I was tied to a wooden altar with some red chains. I could see the night sky above, but it was all cloudy. It was raining super hard, and I heard some lightning in the distance.
If I had a poop organ, I would have crudded myself.
"So, you're finally awake. I have some questions for you."
I tried to scream, but I'm a lamp. And yet, Kelsey understood me perfectly.
"I can read your thoughts now. You really thought you could get away with reading my mind in secret?"
"N-no."
"Or with being in the way of the coat closet— my one escape route?"
"No!"
"Or with CONSPIRING WITH GLORIA TO KILL ME?"
"No— wait, what?"
Kelsey rolled her eyes (which I noticed were glowing red). "You see, your dead fridge-dad was your stepfather. And Gloria was his ex-wife! Your biological lamp-dad spontaneously combusted shortly after you were born!"
If I had a mouth, my jaw would have dropped open. Why didn't I realize that my fridge-dad wasn't my biological father? And why didn't he ever TELL me?!
"So Gloria is technically my stepmother?"
"Yuuuuup. But after I deal with you, I'm dealing with her."
Then, Kelsey pulled out a black plastic bag with a red pentagram on it. She took out a bunch of objects, and her eyes glowed even redder.
"I NOW BEGIN YOUR SUMMONING RITUAL!" Kelsey bellowed at the sky. Lightning struck a few feet away from us.
I was a goner.
Kelsey walked up to the wooden altar, and surrounded my chained-up body with tiny gemstones (which I'm pretty sure were made of plastic). Then, she poured tomato-basil pizza sauce all over me, and sprinkled a ton of salt on top of it. Next, she spray-painted the words "KELSEY WAS HEAR" onto a nearby rock that looked kind of like an apple. And, yes, she really misspelled it like that. Finally, she pulled out a DK Bible, opened it to some random page, and started singing words out of it in a demonic bass-boosted voice:
HIDING FROM THE SEARCH PARTY
THAT IS TRYING TO FIND ME
RUNNING FROM MY AUNT
I'M IN THESE SPOOKY WOODS
PERFORMING A DEMONIC RITUAL
TO SUMMON THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN STOP THIS STUPID CRUD
I DON'T LIKE MINT TOOTHPASTE
OH!
I'M A HYPOCRITE!
I'M A HYPOCRITE!
WE'LL ALL DIE SOMEDAY!
BATMOBILE
IS A RIP-OFF OF THE CLASSIC DRAGSTER FROM MARIO KART
BUT WITH BAD HANDLING!
HEY!
This was all sung to the tune of "Jingle Bells". There was a pause, and then Kelsey said in her normal voice, "I feel a bit uncomfortable right now."
I didn't get it. At all.
Then, Kelsey took out a match, and (with some difficulty, as it was still raining,) lit the altar on fire. I realized that I was going to burn to death at the hands of an edgy teenager, so I screamed, "WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING THIS?!"
Kelsey shrugged. "Because... uh... character development. Also, you're not going to die. This fire is just an illusion. I'm only using it to summon—"
BOOOOOM!!!!
The fire vanished, sure enough, but where the spray-painted rock once was, there was an old dude with a "what-the-heck" look on his face.
Kelsey smirked. "So, we meet again, Charles Schulz!"
"Kelsey! I told you to stop trying to summon me!" Charles Schulz said.
"Well, TOO BAD!" Kelsey growled.
"Can someone please explain to me WHAT IS GOING ON?" I begged.
"SHUT UP, LAMPY!" Kelsey shrieked.
"My name is NOT 'Lampy', thank you very much."
"Then what IS your name, Lampy?"
"I... uh... I don't HAVE a name, actually..."
"HAHAHAHA—"
"Are you talking to a lamp, Kelsey?" Charles asked.
"MAYBE."
I didn't know what the heck was going on. I just wanted to go home, and preferably still in one piece!
Suddenly, Charles pulled out a cell phone that looked like it was from the 90s. "I'm calling your aunt right now, Kelsey. I thought you were past this. I really did."
"NOOOOOOOO!" Kelsey shouted dramatically. "I will not let you do this!"
I saw Kelsey reach into the pentagram bag, and then she pulled out... a LIE DETECTOR? What the HECK?
"Is that a lie detector?" Charles asked, sounding rather... disappointed.
"Sure is. Now, tell me..."
Kelsey put the lie detector on his head.
"Do you admit that you ruined A Charlie Brown Christmas by selling out to Coca-Cola? You must answer me!"
Charles rolled his eyes. "Yes."
The lie detector flashed green.
"Second question. Why exactly did you do it?"
"Because we wouldn't have had enough money otherwise." The lie detector flashed green again.
"Hmmmm... Third question. What does the letter "C" mean to you?"
"...Cars?" The lie detector flashed green yet again.
"Okay, last question. What are your thoughts on non-alcoholic sparkly apple cider? Don't you dare lie."
"Well, I've only ever drank the non-alcoholic kind once, but I remember that it made my tongue burn from all the fizz. Not pleasant at all!"
A green flash.
"W-what?!" Kelsey stuttered. "I mean, you didn't like the taste?"
"Not really. It was too sour."
Green again.
"This can't be! Did you like ANYTHING about the cider?!"
"Uh, not really. But honestly, Kelsey, what does this have to do with—"
"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! Where did you get the cider FROM?"
Charles looked annoyed. "Television. Where else would I obtain it?"
Green.
"CRUUUUUUD!" Kelsey shrieked.
"Kelsey, calm down! Your aunt and Roxanne are just trying to help you!" Charles insisted.
This time, the lie detector flashed red.
"Ah-HA! I knew they weren't helping me! You just proved my theory!"
Charles did another eye-roll. "This lie detector is broken— one of the batteries leaked. I thought you would have remembered. You knew it was broken! Why didn't you replace the batteries?!"
Kelsey gasped. "You mean... since it wasn't working right... you maybe weren't telling the truth about everything? You LIED? And GOT AWAY WITH IT?"
Charles sighed and did a facepalm.
"Kelsey... Listen to me. You need to stop obsessing over things like this. Just move on with your life and forget you ever wanted t—"
"NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I still had no idea what was going on.
By this point, Charles was starting to turn transparent. "I must return to the afterlife, Kelsey. I'm warning you, if you summon me again, Death himself will stalk you. I don't want that to happen. You have a lot of potential in life... although you do get obsessed over small things very easily."
"Whatev! I'll just sneak up behind Death and scare him away by yelling 'BOO', like I do in The Sims 3 all the time!"
"Kelsey, you KNOW that won't work. The Sims 3 is not real life."
"Yes it is! I know it in my heart."
"Eh, have it your way. Goodbye."
He faded away.
Kelsey stood there for a few minutes. She looked MAD.
She unchained me from the altar. "You are in BIIIIIIIIG trouble, Lampy."
"But what did I even DO?!" I shouted.
"You ruined my ONE chance to rid the world of sparkly apple cider!"
"What the heck is this cider thing you keep talking about?"
"It's not really cider— it's a code word for, uh, something else. But I'm not telling you what it is, so too bad!"
"Sooooo, can I go home? Please?"
"NO."
Kelsey's glowing red eyes suddenly turned neon yellow. "Y'know what, Lampy?"
"Yes...?"
"I have a crush on you."
"NOOOOO! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF—"
"No objections, Lampy. You are far more attractive than Gloria ever was. We shall be married in... two hours!"
And we did get married. (Well, almost.) It was awful.
The wedding was held in New Zealand. Originally, Kelsey wanted to hold it on a moon temple, but NASA just said, "Stop wasting our time, kid!"
Kelsey's aunt and Roxanne were invited, but they kept begging Kelsey to tell them what the actual heck was going on. Kelsey refused to say anything on that subject, and kept talking nonstop about how "unbelievably happy" she was to be married. It was absolutely sickening.
The dude who read the DK Bible to marry us was actually a robot, because the New Zealand government obviously wouldn't send any official wedding people to help a FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD marry a LAMP.
Kelsey had invited a bunch of video game, movie, and TV characters to the wedding, but none of them showed up. Surprise, surprise.
But despite none of them showing up, Kelsey still thought they were all real...
After half an hour of Kelsey ranting about the characters not attending her wedding, the two of us were about to be married by the Bible-reading robot. Just a few seconds before the marriage would be official, the doors to the church flew open!
Standing in the doorway was Paula Trent (the lady from "Plan 9 from Outer Space"). She looked very angry.
"Kelsey, what have you DONE?!" she yelled. "Apologize right now!"
Kelsey rolled her eyes (which were back to being red) and sighed. "Okay... fine... I'm sorry for stealing the lie detector from the U.S. government."
"And?" Paula asked.
"I'm sorry for performing demonic rituals in order to summon a dead cartoonist guy."
"And?"
"I'm sorry for kidnapping Lampy and forcing her to marry me."
"AND?"
"I won't apologize for inviting DJ Octavio. It's MY wedding!"
Paula facepalmed. "Kelsey, you idiot... YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE END OF THE WORLD!"
"My bad," said Kelsey.
Then, a dead elephant crashed through the window, and stomped us all to death.
I woke up in the afterlife, which was made of aliens, pop music, and red Minecraft wool. I only had one question...
Where were you?
So... yeah, that ending was super rushed, because I wanted to finally go to bed (it was about 6 AM by the time I stopped). I didn't add anything to this story after that, and in fact, the only edits I've ever made to it were fixing grammar/spelling errors, and changing the names of certain characters, for privacy reasons. I remember initially having more plans for this story, such as giving Paula Trent more plot relevance, and Kari Byron from MythBusters chasing me around with an axe made of sharpened LEGOs.
Also, the thing about Coca-Cola and A Charlie Brown Christmas is true, unfortunately. Sorry if I ruined the Peanuts franchise for you...
Anyway, what did you think of this story? Was it funny? I hope to write more humor stories in a similar style to this one, so I'd appreciate your input. All comments are encouraged!